Horribly FAT? No large fries!!!

I'm still fuming. People I've encountered in my 31 years on this planet have occasionally done some pretty awful things to me, often because I'm overweight. Naw, I'm not overweight; by any medical standard, I would be considered morbidly obese (oooooh! the morbidly obese people are hiding under your bed!) Two of the best of these involve a sometimes-friend/fellow student/college roommate named Ben. Ben was mostly an alright guy, if a bit of a twitchy Napoleon Dynamite sort. But on occasion, he could suddenly become this Asshole Rain Man and pull some really dickwad stunts. The first time was at OSSM, which we both attended. We were walking up the stairs to our dorm rooms, Ben behind and therefore slightly below me. He says, apropos of nothing, since we hadn't previously been talking about anything, "You know, I read in my biology text today that the skin of the penis accounts for about 1% of the body's skin. But since you're so heavy, it's probably a lot less than that." I was taken aback. Had I pissed in his Post Toasties without knowing it? No, I hadn't. Ben just lost his filter sometimes, and said things that people probably thought about fairly often, but of course would never say. Why didn't I paste the little mushroom-head right then, you ask? Well, at the time, I was going through an ultra-Christian phase (some kids get into drugs in high school, I got into God - I win) and so I just clenched my fists, said nothing, and trudged up to my room. I'm still a Christian, but nowadays, I'm not sure I would be able to leave that one alone. So, despite all this, when we all headed off to college, I accepted Ben's offer to room together at OSU. Mostly, so I'd know the person I was rooming with when I started out. After a few weeks there, getting to know where everything was and such, I come back to the room to find a voicemail message waiting. I get the message, which is a girl saying something to the effect of: Hey, I saw you in the cafeteria earlier and asked your friend who you were, I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime. Now, as Aerosmith said, "I was a high school loser, never made it with the ladies." But in my case, the boys never told me the something I'd missed. I was girl kryptonite. I was the same polarity as every female everywhere, and I repelled them. It was pretty pathetic, I gotta say. So when I got this message, it was like a nukyular blast to my... heart. Yeah, the heart, that's it. I spent the next couple of hours on the proverbial Cloud Nine, basking in the fact that some girl was asking me out. Imagine it! I didn't even consider what she looked like or if... hell, if she was even human. She could have had 3 ears in the middle of her forehead, it wouldn't have mattered at the time. (My standards did improve - my lovely wife has only 2 ears, and they're right where they should be) Then Ben came back to the room from class, and I proceeded to excitedly relay all the glorious happenings in my newly-birthed (I almost said infant, but... no, that's just not right) love life. He sat there and let me open the release valve on all this energy and excitement that I had... Until he could take it no longer. And he busted up laughing. He'd set the whole thing up. The girl was a friend of his. It was all a big joke. That was the fall of 1993, ladies and gentlemen, and I can still remember the details of this saga to this day. These things will stick with me to my grave. The malice, the forethought, the planning... okay, it wasn't a lot of planning, but it wasn't like he ran up and pantsed me in the cafeteria or something. He had to think about it, recruit a co-conspirator, and execute it. Just to play a joke on his fat roommate. (At our 10-year reunion, I asked him about these things, and he professed to not remembering either of them. Considering the number of illicit substances he's put in his body since that time, I bought it. It probably wasn't a very significant event in his life, anyway. Nothing to store in the permanent archives.) I bring all of this up, because today, my wife and I were confronted with another Face of Evil. Malice aforethought. This morning we went apartment hunting. Our house is finally in escrow, and we've got about 30 days to find a new place to live. We had three places we wanted to see today, and so we started off by going to the one farthest from here, over in Canyon Country. We talked about grabbing some food somewhere, because neither of us had gotten to eat breakfast, what with all the getting ready and such. After viewing the first apartment complex, our route back home took us past the one stand-alone Arby's in the Santa Clarita Valley (the other's in the mall). We went in, had our Arby's, dealt with the squirmy child, and left. After saddling up the tiny girl, we were getting in the car, when Lynn says, "Why is there a note on my car?". Now, my first thought was, "Dammit, another parking ticket." An overzealous rent-a-cop employed by our HOA has been giving warning tickets to residents in our area, for no good reason. Lynn and I had both been hit by them in the past couple of days. I could see it wasn't yellow, so, no ticket. Then I thought, "Crap, someone hit the car and took off, just leaving a note." I was wrong about that, too. Here's the note we got: click the image or this line to see a bigger version In case it's too illegible, here's what it says: "Hi, Are you both going to set example & show your lovely child how to get horribly fat???!!? Please don't leave your child without a parent & you make them horribly fat, plase. No large fries, etc, etc, etc - take care" Love that last part. "Take care". Yeah, thanks for your support, asshole. What kind of person does this? What kind of person takes the time to write a handwritten note? What kind of person sees someone going into an Arby's and decides that they need to help these poor fat bastards? Save them from themselves! Yes, my wife and I are both MORBIDLY OBESE (ooooooooohhhhhhh!!!! Scary fat people!) We have also both started the process of getting lap-band surgery to correct the problem. Did our mysterious benefactor take that into account? All evidence points to NO. As Lynn pointed out, for all he knows, we could have already lost 100 pounds, and were just treating ourselves to a rare fast-food treat. But he didn't know. Because he didn't bother to ask us. He was a self-esteem sniper. A hit-and-run evangelist for the Radical Skinnies. He (or she - the handwriting could definitely be a girl) didn't really intend any help at all. He just wanted to make sure he "did his part to help us poor disabled folk". He just needed to be absolutely certain that we both know how fat we are, and that it's unhealthy. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. I've been overweight since f**king kindergarten, thank you. I have encountered a mirror or two in my life. This jackass is just like the people who stand outside abortion clinics and scream at the scared girls and women walking in, telling them they're going to go to hell for being baby murderers instead of offering them an alternative. This guy didn't offer a suggestion beyond "no large fries, etc, etc, etc." Wow, that's a keen nutritional strategy, there, Billy Blanks. Never would have thought of that! Thank GOD you were here to tell me not to get a large fries! Think of what might have happened! Oh, the HUMANITY! Yeah, I'm a little pissed about it. The worst part was seeing how it made my wife feel. It hit her hard, I could see it in her face. This guy is the lowest of the low. Pond scum scrapes this m*********er off its shoes. I swear to you, if I knew who it was, I'd slam both his hands in a car door until his bones were the consistency of confectioner's sugar, so that he'd no longer be a note-writing burden on our society.