The Thing That Sucks

I realized tonight on the drive home, one of the things that's hurting the most on this liquid diet: I enjoy food. It seems obvious, but I never think about it until I'm on some kind of diet. I like eating chili dogs. I like eating pizza. I like eating Kraft Tangy Italian spaghetti dinner. And more to the point, food has always been something for me to look forward to. At the end of the day, I liked to think about what I'd be having that night, whether it was something Lynn was making, or something I was going to choose for myself. Contemplating the possibilities was something to enjoy, too... "Ooh, I have cottage cheese, I could have bologna sandwiches and Doritos... or maybe I'll grill those cheese dogs..." Now, I got nothin'. I like the protein shakes I've been drinking, they do taste good. But there's no satisfaction of chewing, of feeling the food hit your stomach and, you know, stay there. I've kind of been eager to get to bed at the end of the day because just sitting around watching TV or messing around on the computer just habitually makes me want a snack. Having realized all this about myself, I think it does indicate something about the depth of my food-psychosis. I'm not sure what a "healthy" level of looking-forward-to-dinner is, but I'm pretty sure I'm beyond that. I think this two weeks will not just be shrinking my liver, but hopefully will shrink my cravings and my bad habits, making the post-op transition easier. Lynn assures me that, while cravings for certain specific foods do crop up from time to time, by and large your day isn't particularly influenced by thinking about your next meal. I hope that's true. I think it will be. I remember what it was like being on Phen-Fen - I just didn't think about food. I'm hoping that's how this will play out. Because at this very moment, food is about all I can think about. I think I'm gonna go to be pretty soon.